mostbutnotall

On a Tuesday

‘Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies’, ‘sandoozles’ or ‘Adam Sandlers’. Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ - I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ole cookies’. I call noodles ‘long-ass rice’. Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick’. Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm’. Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc’. I call eggs ‘pre-birds’, or ‘future birds’. Root beer is ‘super water’. Tortillas are ‘bean blankets’. And I call forks ‘food rakes’.
– Tom Haverford - Parks and Recreation
Source: elmoneyyy Reblogged from: elmoneyyy

"Big Day", NewsRadio (S01E05)

[Matthew is worried he's going to get "The Shaft" - a bonus of zero dollars.]

Bill: Say, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?

Joe: Bill, I think that would be Shaft.

[Matthew notices and looks up.]

Bill: And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?

Joe: Again, Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.

Bill: Damn right.

Joe: You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-

Matthew: Shut up, you guys!

Mr. James: [entering] Hey, what's goin' on?

Bill: We're just talking about Shaft.

Mr. James: I can dig it.

On a Monday

dailyseinfeld:

George: Hey, if I were a gigolo, how much do you think I could charge a night?
Elaine: Here, or in Japan?
George: What’s the difference?
Elaine: Well, the Japanese are more enlightened. They can see beyond the physical.
George: Forget Japan, how much would you pay?
Elaine: Oh, I don’t know. A dollar?
George: I think I am worth at least 300.
Elaine (laughs): I don’t think so!
George: Hey, it’s for all night!
Elaine: I know!
George: You are demeaning me.
Elaine: You are a gigolo!
George: Well, you hired me. I am the victim here.
Elaine: Did I force you into this line?
George: Yes. You and every woman like you.

(via The Suzie)

Source: seinfeldscripts.com Reblogged from: dailyseinfeld

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